Nov 5

Hypochondriac's "Should I Be Freaking Out" Test, featuring Google

Everyone gets sick from time to time, and often times nothing can be done to prevent it.  Yet there are those us who know that the only way to avoid the Big One is to maintain hyper-vigilance against illness of any kind.  The world deems you a “hypochondriac”, but you know better.  You take pride knowing that you are on the vanguard in the war against mystery ailments, the kinds of illnesses that medical science is yet unable to pinpoint with its crude tools and close-minded practitioners.  So when, despite all your precautions, you start to feel sick, how do you know whether or not you should be freaking out?  For this purpose I have invented this handy test.

Start by figuring out your symptoms.  Try to determine the most extreme wording for these symptoms, because otherwise you’ll find a fair amount of results telling you not to worry.  If you have a slight headache, search for “migraine”.  If you’ve been sitting at a computer all day, and at the end of the day you stood up quickly and all the blood rushed to places at once and you felt a bit dizzy, that’s “vertigo”. 

Now do a google search that includes all of these symptoms.  Don’t worry if your symptoms occurred at different times, or even on different days.  Rest assured that they all have a single mysterious, deadly, underlying cause. 

Now, examine the results of your google search.  Look primarily for results from major free-medical-reference sites like WrongDiagnosis and MedHelp, or from message boards specializing in mystery ailments and/or autoimmune disorders, like diabetes or MS.  Read all of the message board posts in full, making sure to ignore the parts detailing symptoms that you don’t have. 

Should you be freaking out yet?  The answer is Yes, of course you should be.  But the real question is, *how much* should you be freaking out?  The one thing that all of these sites have in common is that every symptom is related in some way to cancer.  Cancer of all types, shapes, sizes and mortality rates.  Got a cold?  That’s not a cold, that’s swollen lymph nodes, and you know what that means! 

So what you need to determine is the actual probability of you having cancer as opposed to some other, potentially non-terminal illness.  Just to make sure that your bases are covered, assume that you have both.  But for a deeper, more factually correct analysis, look at the results listings for possible illnesses that match your symptoms.  How far down the list is Cancer?  If it’s at the bottom of the list, that means the likelihood of you having it is relatively low.  You should probably focus on finding results that match a different terminal illness.

But what if it is higher on the list?  Uh oh.  How can you determine what level of worry you should be experiencing?  We can measure that using a technique that I have patented called the HAPE Scale.  The HAPE Scale involves answering one simple question: is the Cancer listing ranked above or below the listing for High-Altitude Pulmonary Edema? 

High-Altitude Pulmonary Edema is a life-threatening condition where capillaries burst due to lack of oxygen. It can occur at altitudes above 13,000 feet, though it primarily occurs at much higher altitudes, such as that of Mount Everest.  Look around you.  If you can verify that you are not currently on Mount Everest, then your risk of contracting HAPE is relatively low.  If the listing for “Cancer” is ranked less likely than HAPE, you may in fact be in the clear.  Let out a sigh of relief.  But don’t sigh too loudly, because that sounds an awful lot like wheezing, which is a symptom of pneumonia.

But what if the unthinkable happens, and Cancer is at the top of the list?  Go to a doctor immediately.  Actually, don’t go to a doctor, go to the emergency room, because This Is An Emergency.  If you are a true “hypochondriac”, you have been to the ER before, and they will probably recognize you.  Unfortunately, with the medical system being what it is, you are likely to have to wait for quite a while before being seen by a doctor.  You can shorten this by screaming “I HAVE CANCER!” at the top of your lungs every couple of minutes as you sit in the waiting room. 

By the time you are seen by the doctor, they will probably have heard you from the hallway, so they will be psychologically primed in such a way that they are less likely to dismiss you off the bat.  When you do manage to be seen by a doctor, make sure you yell once more “I HAVE CANCER!” directly into his or her face, just so they can know that you are serious about your well-being.  This is the best way to achieve results.

If the doctor tells you that don’t have cancer after all, take it as a good sign.  After all, no one said that doctors were wrong all the time…just most of the time.  And if they tell you not to spend all your time reading about diseases on the Internet, just tell them that this test was not meant to determine whether you were sick, but merely to determine how worried you should be about getting sick.  Now that you’ve been to the doctor, you can stop worrying for a few days.  So relax, take a deep breath, and hold it while you sprint to your car.  These hospitals are absolutely filled with germs.


My roommate was playing some hip hop yesterday, and I couldn’t help but ask who was responsible for those excellent sounds. I’d never heard of the guy, though apparently “he’s been around for like, 20 years”. Yet the name stuck with me in a way that I couldn’t quite articulate, like something very important just on the edge of understanding, an incantation on shamans’ breath… then, Wikipedia:

“In August, Tech N9ne performed at the tenth annual Gathering of the Juggalos after appearing at two prior Gatherings.”

Checkmate.


Oct 19

I used to think that the loss of childhood occurred the first time that someone read one of those Getting Things Done books.  But now I realize that in fact, mine occurred the day that I first thought to myself, “Man, shoehorns are awesome.”


Oct 15

For some reason my coworkers wouldn't leave me alone until I answered this question

How living Chinese people can you name, just off the top of your head?


Oct 9

YOU ARE IN A VAN.

> inventory

YOU HAVE:
- A WAFFLE-PATTERN BRUISE ON YOUR FACE
- A HANGOVER

> drop bruise

YOU HAVE MADE THE BRUISE WORSE BY TRYING TO PULL IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE.

After all these years, Achewood is still unbelievably good.

Oct 5

Lessons learned from tonight's dinner

  • Parsnips are not tasty.
  • Everything is tasty when deep fried.
  • Do not use the food processor when it is missing that part of the lid that pushes food down into the blades; that causes problems.


Oct 4

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Brian Eno - Spider & I

The song that has been in my head for the last 3 months or so.

We sleep in the morning…


Sep 15
Related artists for Brian Eno (according to eMusic).  Much better if read in a spastic, overly-energetic tone, especially the last part.  Wobble!

Related artists for Brian Eno (according to eMusic).  Much better if read in a spastic, overly-energetic tone, especially the last part.  Wobble!


Sep 14

"Thank you for choosing Verizon Wireless, and have a great day."

Just called to cancel my account, and couldn’t help but notice that, after verifying that everything was cancelled and taken care of, the guy still said this scripted line to me at the end of the call.  While it is likely that he had no choice in the matter, I still think it would  serve them to have better, more…factually correct parting lines for final customer calls.  Perhaps a dash of firing-squad wit, or at least a passive-aggressive jab at the other phone carriers.

Some suggestions:

  • “Thank you for having once chosen Verizon Wireless, and we hope to see your business again once you realize that AT&T has no coverage in the Metro.”
  • “Thank you for ending your service with Verizon Wireless, and we hope you enjoy committing to a similarly-priced 2 year contact with a different one of the several essentially interchangeable corporations.  And have a great day.”
  • “Thank you for wasting my goddamn time, you insensitive prick.  I get commissions on sales, not cancellations. I will probably get fired for saying this, but I hate every last one of you fuckers anyway, and I hate Verizon even more.  So fuck you, fuck this job, and fuck me because I quit.  And have a great day.”

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